So in the light of recent meteorological unpleasantness, I decided to build an Ark. It took me most of the morning but the people from Woodies were very helpful. They even offered to post some of my recruitment flyers. It takes a lot of swabbing to run a successful Ark you know, and I’m not really great at that sort of thing.
The finished product looked amazing. There were canopies over the windows so I wouldn’t get my glasses wet when I’d look out to see if it had stopped raining (the answer would of course be “no” but I’d still have to try). There was a little duct running from the top to the bottom so the rain could run off the roof of the Ark. I named the duct “Temperance Falls” because it sounded about right and in keeping with the Waltons-mountain theme music that was playing on a loop inside my head. There was even a state-of-the-art anchor system which meant I didn’t need a physical anchor. Instead, my Ark would be connected to a Russian satellite which would keep it in place. It means I won’t get caught on a power line like that nasty bit in Jaws 2.
All in all, it was a productive morning’s work.
I climbed aboard and checked the list of animals that had been sent over from the zoo. I had a few extra flying monkeys, but that never bothers me. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that flying monkeys always come in handy.
I was just about to set sail, wearing a pair of those new deck shoes that Kate Middleton wore in Canada, when a voice rang out in my head, saying:-
“Turn again Whittington, thrice Lord Mayor of London.”
Well, you won’t be surprised to hear that this threw a spanner in the works. Not many people know that whenever I’m in London, I spend my days looking for streets that are paved in gold before giving up and heading for Topshop on Oxford Circus or that funny little stall in Portobello where they sell antique umbrellas. It just couldn’t be a coincidence.
So I had to send everyone home. The Ark is up on stilts on the green at the back of the apartment block. I might need retention permission but I’m inclined to turn a blind eye. After all, who’s going to notice a forty-foot high wooden structure when there are so many other things going on in the country?
I kept the monkeys though, they can live on the balcony no problem.