I know what I want. Not diamonds, or gold or rubies. Just a pygmy guide-horse. (Well, maybe a golden pygmy guide-horse draped in diamonds and rubies but the horsey part is the important bit).
If you look <a href=”http://www.guidehorse.com/photo_page.htm”>here </a> you’ll want one too. Now before anyone starts objecting, I know I’m not blind but I do wear glasses <em>and </em>I need a lot of direction because of my geography-impediment.
And I know a guide-horse is not just for Christmas, or in this case, a blog post. I’ve checked it out and I can meet the requirements:-
<li>Do I have an outdoor area to graze and play – Yes. Pygmy pony can graze on the open space of the apartment blocks. He can also sit on the balcony and day-dream.</li>
<li>Your house must allow exotic animals or livestock – This won’t be a problem. I’ve already had to make provisions for the flying monkeys I took on last week.</li>
<li>A mini horse friend. Horses are herd animals and get lonely without a horse companion – I’ll simply despatch said flying monkeys to procur another horse and in the meantime they can provide companionship.</li>
<li>A commitment – Mini horses can live to be more than 50 years old – Unlike other areas of my life, when it comes to pygmy ponies, I am not a commitment-phobe.</li>
I can’t wait till I have my pygmy. He comes house- and airplane-trained so I can bring him on the red-eye with me. We’ll be upgraded free to business class because pygmy horsies have to get a good flight’s sleep. He’ll undo his velcro shoes and slip on an eye mask so he can contemplate what it feels like to be blind. I think I’ll call him Barry. Or Julian.
One day he’ll save my life by spotting that I have put on an odd pair of shoes that would otherwise cause me to trip and fall onto the road in the path of an oncoming articulated truck.
Question – seeing as it’s Galway Race week, do you think someone down there would locate a pygmy pony for me? I could hide him under the table in the champagne tent and he could provide guidance later in the day when things are a little dizzy.